True Aloneness

First published January 15, 2018

Today's Daily Purpose is more a lesson, or a new perceptive.

I grew up kind of alone. I was pretty much an only child, as my sisters were long gone before I was old enough to remember living with them. The youngest of the two was always around as I grew up, raising her own family, but as far as having siblings to play with in the home, I had none.

I was home-schooled, which is not a bad thing, it's just that at the time, I was only 1 in maybe 10.000 nationwide and the groups that were around then, were far too hard core and or religious my parents and I.

I do remember one group my mom found for me, it was led by a wonderful woman. We always went out into nature to learn about the real world. My family and I always went camping and hiking, so this group was perfect for me. I made a couple of friends, but after some years they just faded away.

I loved that I was home-schooled, it was definitely the best choice for me and my heart. But it was hard. Once the neighborhood kids were old enough to understand, they all hated me for not having to go to a place they all hated and complained about. And once they hit high school, wholly crap, my social life was over, well, what little of it there was.

I was no longer invited to parties, instead I had to watch as my 'friend' marched her parties up the street and they all played on the sidewalk across from my house. In perfect eyesight mind you. Now, this was a girl who had a pool in her backyard, and a nice yard, but they came up the street to my house to play on the sidewalk? Yeah, I got it, even at that age.

I had 'friends' cancel play dates because "something better came up". All my life, friends never stuck around. I don't know why, I just know that I wasn't wanted, or at least, looking back now, that is how I felt, I just didn't know that feeling as a kid, or how to put a word to the empty feeling I was left with each time that happened.

Growing up I didn't have a lot of close friends either. I had co-workers, but I was sadly awoken to the fact that they were not really my friends. I know, shocker.

In my dating as an adult, I have had to overcome this same feeling. Every guy that walked away, ghosted me or no longer loved me, I took it as them not wanting me. I know better now, even though that feeling creeps in every now and then. But it is a hard one to overcome. Not feeling wanted, or not being chosen really hurts the EGO. And the child within, was always reminded how that felt so long ago.

Today I have some really wonderful people in my life. Some I have never even met. But still, there is a strange little something within that has been showing up lately. It's a feeling of wanting to belong, and to be liked, which is so strange cause I like myself and really do not care what others think or feel about me. So what is it? Is it still that old feeling of not feeling wanted or being included in the party? Maybe so. Maybe it has turned into a needing to be wanted or needing to feel that from others as I have felt very little of that most of my life. Either way, it is ok. Whatever it is.

And today, I have embraced true aloneness. Even though I am never truly alone, I can let go of any need for acceptance by others, or to be included in their 'parties' and I am ok with that. I am ok if my posts never get a like, or if no one ever reads this blog. I am not doing any of this for anyone but myself, so I will be ok with the outcome whatever that may be.

So, today's Daily purpose is: True aloneness. If I were the last person on earth, I would be ok, it would not be as fun, but I would survive, and I would flourish. So I will just keep on being me, and those who want to join my party, they will all be welcome.