A little mourning

First published Januray 27, 2018/ updated 8/2020

So tonight got a little emotional. Not really sure where it came from, but I allowed it. Here's the story....

I'm mourning again tonight. This keeps coming up for me, even when I feel I'm past it. Sometimes I do judge it and think its stupid to feel the pain of a loss that never was.

I'm mourning the loss of a baby, a child, one I never had the chance to even have. How does one keep being sad over something that never was? Is it because I've always wanted to be a mom and I never made sure I gave myself the opportunity? Is it because I saw a little girl, about 7 months old, with a little bandana on in the store today, and my heart when boom?

I see all of these people half my age who still have so much time ahead of them for family, and I don't. I want to tell them not to wait, and it's never a good time, and you'll never be ready so just do it.

I know, my life is not over, but lets face it, at my age, it's not the best idea. I've thought about doing it on my own, but that's crazy talk. I'm not set up for that.

I found myself tonight apologizing to a soul I never got to meet. I'm sorry I didn't get my shit together soon enough to have met you, to hold you, and to watch you grow and explore this beautiful world. I'm sorry I never met the man that could have been your dad, and that I held myself back from making that happen out of fear and shyness. I'm sorry for never being able to feel you growing inside me, and for not being able to teach you how to dance. I'm sorry that I will never know the color of the eyes you would have had. I'm sorry that I will never be able to teach you the capacity of love and how infinite you are.

I feel sorry too for your grandparents who will never get to meet you. I feel I robbed them of that as well.

And I say sorry to myself, for this time on earth, will likely be a childless one, and for that, my heart breaks once in a while.

I know I have nothing to really be sorry for, but I am. Maybe we will meet next time around, and I promise I will do more to make sure we meet then.

Today's Purpose was: Mourning. It is ok to not be ok. We are allowed to let the sadness come. It is only then that we can make our way through it, even if we go through it many times. Each time is different. Each time it comes out of the blue. Maybe tonight's episode of Blue Bloods where Donny Wahlburg's character was dealing with the loss of his wife cracked open more pain in me. I don't know. But it's ok, and I am thankful for it....or I will be...when my eyes are not puffy

Up date...... Reading this again today still brings tears to my eyes. Which is strange, because I am starting to feel like I no longer want children. I have been a caretaker most of my life, and the last 15 years I have been serving and helping my aging mother. The last 13 I have also been taking care of my dog. Now, I love these two beings with all of my heart, and I do not want to go a day with out them, but I'm a realist, and I know that with each passing day I get closer to a time when they will not be here. With that comes a feeling like a soon to be empty nester may feel. One day in the too near future I will have no one and nothing to take care of but me, and I like that idea. For once in my life I can imagine moving out of state, or staying the night somewhere and not worrying about walking the dog. The idea of not having any concern for anyone but myself is appealing now. Maybe it's my age, maybe its just because of this crazy year we have had, I'm not fully sure, but it's something to wonder about.