Calmness

First published January 22,2018

So, today's Purpose was all over the place. I was tested so many times I lost count. I will focus on the bigger ones.

Work has been hard for me lately. Lots of issues and struggles and I have done my best to keep being grateful for the work and the paycheck. Today however, I woke up to a checking account of $38. This is mainly due to the fact that my bosses new system for payments is not going so well and I am behind on getting paid now for three jobs. I'm an independent contractor. A few months ago, I'd panic and cry and freak out. How the hell am I going to pay my bills? WTF???? But today, I stayed calm. I trusted in the fact that no matter what, I end up with what I need to make it through. Month after month, all is well and I'm still ok. The more I trust that the universe has my back, and is working with me to create what I need, the more the work comes, and the easier it shows up.

Was I a little pissed that things like this keep happening in my work, yes, but that is ok. Feelings are ok. They are not right or wrong, they just are. As long as we do not get stuck in them.... unless that is, we are talking about the feeling of love. Get stuck in that all day and every day.

The next test came from a forum I am a part of. I spent a good part of today responding to messages, and posts, and comments. Some might say it's a waste of time, but for me, it is a chance to grow and allow stuff to come up for me so I can work through them. It also helps me to give hope and encouragement to others.

I felt really good sharing and learning from others posts and it was going just fine, until someone kind of jumped on me and accused me of mowing over the people on this forum. She said, in other words, that I was giving advice to those who were not asking for it, and that I was jumping on everyone's responses without any thoughtfulness to their differences and level of awareness.

OK, first off I thought, wholly crap, did I do this? OMG I hope I didn't, I didn't intend to. I always come from, or try to make sure I come from a place of sharing feelings, and ideas, and embracing everyone's differences. When I talk or write, I work on using I's and we's and not you's, this is to make sure no one will feel defensive. Am I always perfect at this? nah, but I am aware and I am always working on it.

So, wanting to check myself, and not fearing that I may be in the "wrong" (I don't like that word, but we will use it here) I went over every post, every comment from that moment back to when I started earlier in the am. I found one comment I made on a girls post, and saw where I used the word 'you' a lot. A lot of us use that word in a general term meaning us all, not meaning "you" personally, however, some take it that way. So I fixed the comment and let the person know why I did that. They were cool with both versions. They understood what I was saying.

I kept looking and rereading everything. I found nothing that I needed to worry about or apologize for and fix. Mind you, I am not an unconscious speaker or writer. Sure, I make mistakes, I'm human, but not like I was being accused of. I hadn't done anything wrong, nor said anything to mow anyone over with.

I went back to where she had posted and I responded kindly and explained what I felt needed explaining. Luckily, that was the end of it.

Instead of becoming defensive, or becoming really upset over the whole thing, I once again stayed calm and centered. If anything, I was more so concerned that I had run people over with my comments, thus becoming worried that I messed up, but I was and now am, more assured that it never happened.

I am not afraid to be 'wrong' or to make a mistake. I will own it, I will apologize, and I will learn from it. Due to being home-schooled, I was never made fun of, or ashamed because I made a mistake, so it still doesn't bother me to do so.

In the end, I did apologize for her feeling I mowed people over, not because I caused her feelings, but because the truth is, she felt mowed over, not anyone else. It was her that felt I was going against her ideas, it was her that felt I was not following along with everyone else. I am sorry she felt that way, but not sorry for causing it, as I did not do anything to have caused it. She felt triggered by something, and as we all know, whatever triggers us, is already in us. I am not responsible to make her feel comfortable and conform to her or anyone. I am a free thinker, a non-follower, and just a tad different from the rest, but that doesn't make me wrong, mean, unconscious, or thoughtless, just different. And different is wonderful.

So, today's Purposes was: Keeping my center. Keeping one's center is so important. Whether we are triggered by something, or even down right attacked, keeping our center and remembering it is the other person working through something, is key to our own peacefulness and stress free being.