Let the healing begin!

I've heard many people and experts say that we all need to heal in between relationships, and I agree. However, they rarely every tell you how. We talk a lot about healing before we jump back into a relationship. But what does that mean? How do we “heal” and what can it look like? Yes, it’s different for everyone, but here are what I feel are the main accepts to look at.

Self reflection: After each experiences with another, whether is was one date or a year long relationship, looking in the mirror to see our part of the relationship will help us down the road. This is about looking at what we can do differently next time. NOT at what we did wrong. There is no right or wrong. Self reflection is about consciously choosing to change behavior that is no longer serving us. We all make mistakes, that is a part of life, yet if we do not change and grow from our mistakes, then we will be doomed to repeat them.

Take ownership:

Be honest with ourselves and own the choices we made. No matter what their faults were, we chose to stick it out, we chose to date them, WE chose! No one forced us. Own the choices we made. Own the mistakes, own all that you put into the experience. All of it.

Stop judging ourselves:

We likely made some mistakes, and that is OK. That’s how we grow out of old patterns. The fact is, we will never be good enough, for the wrong person. Judging our part of the experience, will only hinder our healing. Everything is an experience to learn and grow from. Regret is only an unlearned lesson.

Be kind to ourselves:

We can talk about others with great love, but what do we say about ourselves to ourselves? The words we use when we are in our heads are important. Having compassion and understanding for ourselves AND our choices, is being kind to us. We will make mistakes, we will F things up, and that is OK. We have to let go of needing to be perfect, because we are not. Be gentle with ourselves. We are only human.

Don’t believe their BS:

No matter what bs they are throwing our way, or even if they are blaming us for the breakup, we don’t have to allow their issues to get to us. They are hurting too, but we do not have to allow their unhealed wounds to muddy our beautiful heart. Thank them for the experience and move on. Continuing to argue over who did wrong will not help you heal, that will only keep you stuck in the connection.

Stop blaming:

They made mistakes, they may even be toxic, but blaming them and calling out everything they did only feels good for a moment. (See taking ownership) Yes, they played a part, but they too are imperfect people with wounds that need healing as well. It takes two to tango. Focus on you and your healing.

Forgiveness:

Forgiving someone is rarely ever for their sake as they will likely never know we are doing so. Forgiving them relieves the weight of the pain we are feeling. Then, be sure to forgive yourself. Self forgiveness is one of the biggest gifts we can give our hurting heart. We were not wrong, we were not bad.

Let it hurt:

Sounds silly and maybe obvious, but sometimes we don’t allow the hurt to hurt. We stuff it down and act like it’s not there. It will only come up and out later. Building like a volcano, that we don’t want erupting on our next person.

Stop over thinking about what went “wrong”.

Things happen the way they are meant to because they happened. Some things just don’t work out, and that’s ok. We can be thankful for the time we had, the laughs we shared, and the love we gave and received. Now, we can find that again and experience someone new. And that’s beautiful.

It's hard to let go, I get that. We over analyze everything, looking at what went wrong, asking what did we do, blaming them for what they did or didn't do. But none of that will help. It feels like it dose because we are so use to being in the hurt, and feeling the negative stuff. It's easier to be upset then it is not let go and be happy.

Its all just drama, keeping you from moving through it and releasing all that is holding you down.

Most importantly, give yourself time to hurt. The hurt is OK, and it is healthy to get that pain out with tears or whatever feels good. Please, whatever you do, don't use another to make yourself feel good. you will just end up spreading your pain to them.